


Everything I Didn't Say

by CuddleMeClifford



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Cuddles, Fluff, How Do I Tag, Kinda AU, M/M, Making Out, Muke - Freeform, but not really, fetus muke, highschool, underage i suppose
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-07
Updated: 2014-08-09
Packaged: 2018-02-12 05:42:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2097783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CuddleMeClifford/pseuds/CuddleMeClifford
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael Clifford. I wasted a whole year of my life hating him. Well I never really did hate him, I pretended I did. I made myself hate him, because I couldn’t let myself fall any further for him. I knew that I would just end up embarrassed with a broken heart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've got good feedback on this so I decided to post it here.

Everything I Didn‘t Say- Muke

Michael Clifford. I wasted a whole year of my life hating him. Well I never really did hate him, I pretended I did. I made myself hate him, because I couldn’t let myself fall any further for him. I knew that I would just end up embarrassed with a broken heart. 

I remember the first time I saw him. It was the terrifying first day of secondary school. He was in my base-class and he was sat next to me. He smiled and said “hey” and I whispered “hi” back. He started chatting to me, not paying any attention what so all to the teacher. He started talking about video games and music, and I agreed with everything he had to say. I stared at him, mesmerized. It wasn’t that he was so good looking (even though he was, even in his oversized uniform with his fringe sweeping past his green eyes), but it was everything; the way that he talked to me like we had been friends for years, the way that he sat, slouched with his hands stretched on the table, the way that he didn’t try to make a good impression with the teachers and the way that he actually listened to what I had to say even though I was stammering. I instantly knew I wanted to be best friends with him. He just seemed so cool. I even wanted to be him. The more I thought about it, that morning I decided I even wanted to kiss him. I had never once in my life even considered that I might be gay, but by that afternoon I was sure of it.

I didn’t act on it though, not then anyway. I was so glad to had made a friend so easily and I wasn’t going to ruin it. I was always shy and had trouble making friends but with Michael it was just so easy. And he wasn’t just talking to me because I was sitting next to him, he genuinely wanted to be friends. 

We ate lunch together and sat together in every class for the first week at school. Soon we found we were hanging out with each other after school and texting well into the early hours of the morning. We sat in my room eating chips and playing Fifa. We talked about girls, bands, our mutual hate of school, anything really. We never got bored.

The more I hung out with him, I realised just how much I was in love with him. I smiled when he said my name, I laughed when he laughed, I made sure I never beat him in video games, I didn’t complain about anything he did and every time my phone beeped I ran to in hope it was him, and 95% of the time it was. If I had to describe him in one word it would be perfect and I wouldn’t even be exaggerating. Everything he did was perfect in everyway. He spoke perfectly. He looked more than perfect. I made myself promise that I wouldn’t try and do anything about it unless I was absolutely sure he felt the same way, which was the problem. He did. Or at least I thought he did then. He showed all signs that he did: He always laughed at my jokes. He smiled when he saw me. He called me “Lukey” and occasionally “cuzmuffin.” He walked home from school with me and waited for me by my locker. He posted cute things on my facebook wall a lot. He put his head on my shoulder. Once when we were out and it was freezing, he gave me his hoodie and insisted he was warm. He hugged me and said “I love you” without ever saying “No Homo”. There was one major problem, he was kinda girl obsessed. 

“How far have you got with a girl?” he asked one day in the middle of a particularly uninteresting geography lesson.

“Second base,” I mumbled. It wasn’t a lie. When I was kissing a girl I had quite awkwardly touched her boob, but by the look she gave me I assumed I was doing it wrong. 

Michael laughed. “I got a handjob once!” he smirked.

“Really? From who?” I asked in awestruck. I don’t know what surprised me more, the fact that he had already gotten that far or the fact that I was turned on by the thought of it.

“She doesn’t go here. And I didn’t ask her name,” he said.

“Asshole,” I laughed. I hesitated before asking, “Was it any good?”

He shrugged before saying, “I could of done a lot better myself!” 

I half smiled half grimaced, embarrassed. 

“Anyway that’s past the point! I was thinking that we should do something different tonight!” he said.

“Different? Like what?” I asked.

“We should go out!” he suggested. My heart started beating faster. Was he asking me out? “Not with each other obviously!” he said, interrupting my thoughts. I knew it was too good to be true. “I have a date and I asked her to bring a friend along, so wanna come on a double date? I think she’s hot!”

“Sure,” I shrugged. “Why not?” Even though I knew exactly why not. A million different excuses passed through my mind but I couldn’t bring myself to say one. I didn’t want to disappoint him. It was better anyway, I didn’t want him to suspect that I had a “crush” on him.

So I went, dressed in black skinny jeans and an ALT shirt and it sucked. So bad. The girl was hot. She had long slender legs and luscious brown curls, big blue eyes and a gorgeous grin. Not to mention her tits were huge. She was so hot that I had to rethink being gay. But it just wasn’t right. For some unknown strange reason, she seemed to like me. She was so outgoing and bubbly and I was so shy and reserved. She whispered to me through out the stupid movie we were watching. She held on to my hand and put her head on my shoulder. I should have been in ecstasy, like any normal teenage boy would. But it just felt so foreign and wrong to me. I whished she was Michael. 

Michael himself ended up with his date on his lap, right in the middle of the theatre, kissing her like the horny teenage boy he was, his hands in her hair. I felt an immense hate for her and at that very moment for him too. So I did the only thing I could think of, I kissed the girl. I suddenly felt a huge rush of confidence, so I told her that she looked beautiful tonight. She giggled so I put my hands on her face and kissed her. I don’t know how long it went on for, but I knew that even though it felt good I wasn’t enjoying it, but she seemed really into it. When we eventually broke apart Michael was leaning away from his date, looking at what seemed at the time, jealously at us. I smirked.

“I think we’re gonna go outside,” I whispered into his ear before taking the girls hand and leaving. I was pretty certain Michael wasn’t jealous of the girl, so I assumed he was jealous of me. I wanted to make him more jealous, because I was angry that it wasn’t me he was kissing, so I pressed the girl against the wall in the cool night air and kissed her quite roughly, even though I had no desire to. I picked her up in my arms, holding her ass in my hands with her hands in my hair as we kissed. The taste of her cherry lip gloss was overwhelming. It seemed like we stayed like that for hours. I put her down, breathless and turned to see Michael and his date, standing apart, staring at us. 

“I think it’s time we leave now,” Michael said after an awkward silence. I exchange numbers with the girl even though I had no intentions whatsoever of calling her.

“Can I crash at your house tonight?” It was the first thing Michael asked as we begun our long walk home.

“Sure,” I said. We walked in silence before I finally said, “so?”

“So what?” he asked, as if nothing in the previous hours had happened. 

“How was she?” I said. 

“Horrible kisser,” he shuddered. I laughed. “Yours?” he asked.

“Amazing kisser!” I smiled. I paused before mumbling, “It didn’t feel right though?”

“What’s that?” he asked so I repeated myself, louder this time. “Yeah, I know how you feel man,” he agreed. “In the last few weeks, every time I kissed a girl it just feels strange, unnatural” I stared him. Was he saying what I thought he was?

“Stop staring at me like that! I can’t help it,” Michael said.

“Sorry- No! I feel the same way!” I agreed.  
“Really? I don’t think you understand,” he told me.

“Yes. I do,” I said. We looked at each other. We both knew what needed to be done, but neither of us had the balls to do it. But I don’t know what had come over me and for the second time that night I was feeling overly confident. So I did it. I kissed him. It was everything I dreamed it would be and more. It was so perfect. But the strange thing was, he didn’t even hesitate to kiss back. His hands were on my hips pulling me closer the second our lips met. After all those meaningless kisses with girls, I knew this was right. But suddenly, I got nervous. Reality came back to me and I was kissing Michael out in the street in the dark and it was just starting to rain. What would he think? He must think I am so weird, and a horrible kisser. I abruptly pulled away.

“Sorry,” I mumbled, not looking him in the eye. He took his hand off my hips and brought them to my face, tilting it so I would look him in the eyes.

“Luke?” he asked.

“Yeah?” I said, thinking he was going to yell at me any moment now.

“Shut up!” he smirked. This time he kissed me, pressing me up against a wall and running his hands through my hair. It was every bit as good as the last. I thought I was dreaming, but the butterflies I had confirmed this was real life. 

“Woah,” Michael said, after he finally stopped kissing me.

“Woah,” I agreed, laughing. 

“I was waiting for that to happen!” he smirked. I blushed, and he took my hand in his and we continued to walk to my house. After a brief and awkward encounter with my mum we went upstairs to my room. There, we resumed kissing, which neither of us could seem to get enough of. 

“This is so wrong, Lukey,” Michael mumbled, breathless. We were both sitting on my bed.

“I don’t care,” I told him, meaning it. I honestly didn’t care what anyone thought once I could have Michael.

“You’re so cute, babe,” Michael laughed. Babe. I almost died. Michael had called me cute and babe in one sentence. I couldn’t help but lean in and kiss him again. I lost count of how many times we kissed that night, each kiss more perfect than the last. I was beginning to think he was playing a trick on me, trying to make me look stupid. 

“Mikey?” I pulled away looking him in the eyes. “Are you gay?” He looked me up and down, I could almost hear him trying to form a coherent thought.

“We really shouldn’t be doing this,” he finally said. I could feel tears forming behind my eyes. I knew what was going to happen. He was going to pretend this never happened. Leave me heartbroken. I knew he didn’t want this. Not like I did.

“Please Mikey,” I whispered, starting to cry.

“Don’t cry baby,” he said, immediately pulling me to his chest. “Please.”

“Do you want this?” I asked. He didn’t answer. “Do you want this?” I repeated.

“I do, Luke. I do,” he told me. I could feel that he was staring to cry. I started to say something but he stopped me saying, “Let’s just sleep. We can talk in the morning,” he said. I nodded, still crying and took off my jeans as he did the same. 

“Sleep in my bed with me?” I asked hopefully.

“Of course,” he whispered in my ear, laying down next to me. Maybe he did want this as much as I did. He wrapped his arms around me and I let myself become enveloped in his touch. Neither of us slept much, but I knew we were both comforted in each other’s arms. He kept kissing my forehead and whispering “sorry” when he thought I was asleep. I felt complete and totally safe in his arms, but I knew everything would be different when I woke up.


	2. Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like it x

My mind is fuzzy the images of my dream and memories of last night clashing in my head. I wasn’t sure which was real until I yawned and open my eyes to see Michael lying next to me. He was facing me, his arm draped across my chest and his closed eyes hidden by his messy hair. Small snores escaped from his lips and I smiled, remembering how it felt to kiss them. I had watched Michael sleep before, but he had never looked this perfect.

“Luke?” I heard him say. I slightly jumped, I didn’t even know he was awake. His eyes were clenched shut and he was still breathing heavily.

“Yeah,” I whispered, wondering if he was going to say something about last night.

“You’re staring at me,” he mumbled, his eyes still closed. I felt my cheeks turn crimson. He laughed his adorable laugh. “C’mere,” he stretched out his arms. I was surprised but happily scooted closer to him and he wrapped his arms tight around me. I put my head on his chest, listening to the sound of his heartbeat. 

“Mikey?” I said, making his eyes flutter open and fix on me.

“Yeah babe?” I felt my heart skip a beat when he answered.

I sighed, not wanting to ruin the moment. “Can we talk about last night?”

“What’s there to talk about?” he asked. I stared at him not knowing what to say. What I did know is that this was gonna end so bad. “It was a mistake.” I felt my heart shatter into millions of pieces.

“You enjoyed it! I know you did!” I yelled, tears threatening to spill from my eyes.

“Lukey, I -” Michael started, but no more words came out. 

“Michael please. I want this so bad! I want to be yours,” I whined. The tears were flowing freely down my face now. 

“Please don’t cry, Luke,” he begged, wiping my tears away with his sleeve.

“But-but you don’t understand,” I said. His eyes met mine and reached up and started playing with a strand of my hair. Usually this would of made me melt inside, but I was annoyed so I pushed him away. 

“Then tell me. But this won’t work out Luke, you know it wont,” he said. “It will ruin our friendship.”

“But we can make it work! Please,” I sobbed. A tear escaped his guilty eyes. I started at him.

“Can we just go back to being friends? Maybe this could work in a year. But I need a while to sort out my feelings. I just don’t know anymore,” he sighed.

“I can’t wait that long. I love you Mikey,” I told him. 

“No you don’t. You just think that,” he stuttered.

“No. I love you,” I insisted. “And I wanna be with you. I wanna cuddle with you while we play Fifa and kiss you whenever I want. I wanna hold your hand and watch scary movies with you.”

“Don’t do this to me Lukey,” Michael said. “You know I wanna be with you. I just can’t!”

“Why not? Do you even care about what I want?” I said, starting to yell.

“I know I’m sorry. I’m just not ready. We’re still so young Luke. Nobody would accept us. And I can’t risk our friendship,” he told me, barely able to speak because of his tears.

I slowly nodded, knowing I would be unable to change his mind.   
“Can I - can I kiss you one last time?” I asked shyly. He nodded so I brought my lips to his. It wasn’t as good as the rest, but it was still passionate even though we were both still sobbing. When he pulled away he kept his hands on my face.

“No matter what happens, remember that I will always love you,” Michael said, placing a kiss on my nose.

I nodded. “I love you too.”

We went downstairs where my mum made us breakfast and we went through as nothing happened. We played GTA in the living room. We attempted our homework before realising it was never gonna happen We ate pizza and chips before he went home. But we didn’t text for the next day.

On Monday morning in school he smiled as he saw me, but during first period he whispered “Pretend the other days never happed. Don’t tell it to anyone, don’t even leave it cross your mind. Don’t treat me any differently. I really don’t want to loose you as a friend.”

I nodded but for once I paid attention to the lesson. We both went about our lives, pretending that wonderful night never happened. We still hung out at school and acted like best friends. But one day when he asked me to his house for pizza and Black Cops I lied and said I was busy. I kept doing that and eventually I stopped answering his text messages. He kept asking me what was up but I said nothing. I really didn’t want to loose him as a friend, but whenever I wasn’t with him I kept thinking about that night and how much I wanted to feel his lips on mine again. I knew that one day I would end up accidentally kissing him again and I knew that would fuck my life up even more so I decided that I would completely ignore him. At first he still kept trying to talk to me and kept texting me “I’m sorry Lukey” or “what can I do to keep you as a friend?” or just “L” but I knew that it was best for both of us.

Eventually he got bored and ignored me too. He stopped smiling at me when I sat next to him and turned his back like I usually did. He didn’t text me. He sat with Calum at lunch. I was gutted. I knew that it was my fault, but I just wanted to blame him for everything that went wrong in your life. It was his fault - some of it at least. But I was the one to blame for having no friends. I hated him but still loved him with all his heart. 

I didn’t what ever I could not to let it get to me. I began arriving to school late so I wouldn’t have to see him by our shared locker, since our school was a shit hole. I begged my teachers to let me change seats and the answer was usually no. I didn’t go out very much. I blocked him on facebook. But truthfully I regretted everything.

There was a huge gap in my life without him. I had little friends as it was and I lived in constant fear of him telling everyone that I was gay and getting bullied for the rest of my life. But as far as I knew he never uttered a word of me to anyone else. As the weeks went by I began to hate him more and more. But I loved him even more too. I leaned as far away from him as possible, but I could still smell his Armani cologne which brought back memories of that night, along with everything else he did. I loved to listen to his voice if he had to read out his half done homework. At lunch I looked across to see him smiling and laughing with Calum, wishing I could be the one to make him laugh like that. 

Weeks turned to months and I was still constantly thinking about Michael. After about 6 months I decided I was sick of bottling my emotions up but I knew I couldn’t talk to anyone about it, so I tried something different; song writing. I didn’t know if I was any good it, but I did find out that I could sing. It took my mind of Michael again, but then every lyric reminded me of him.

It was easier when I didn’t have school. When I was there it took my every inch of self control not to push him up against the lockers and make out with him. When I was at home, I felt empty but at least I knew I wouldn’t embarrass myself.

After almost a year of not talking to him I had ended up with no friends, a fucked up relationship with my Mum, a hell of a lot skinnier, started a new school year, but I had also plucked up the courage to post a few covers on You tube - and I had an unexpectedly good response.  
I started to feel better in myself and I kinda forgot about Michael. Not completely though. He wasn’t the first and last thing in my mind as I woke up and drifted off to sleep, but there wasn’t a day went by where I wasn’t thinking about him.

One day, I was walking threw the corridors, dodging class singing a Ron Pope song. I wasn’t looking where I was going and suddenly I walked straight into someone. I hit the ground before hearing a voice saying “Sorry!”. I looked up to see Michael standing in front of me. He locked eyes with me before offering his hand. Foolishly I took it and he helped me up. His hands were sweaty and I felt a jolt of electricity pass through my body. 

“You’re a good singer,” Michael smiled.

“Thanks,” I mumbled. That was the first word I had said to him in almost a year. We stood there, no one around. I knew that I could kiss him right there right now and nobody would know. But then I thought about how I felt last time and stopped myself.

“Can we talk?” he asked, interrupting my thoughts.

I shrugged, not even sure if I wanted to or not. “What’s there to talk about?” His gaze dropped to the floor. “You hate me,” I said.

“I never hated you, you know that,” he whispered.

“I never hated you either, not really,” I said, instantly regretting it.

“Can we please go back to being friends. I miss you so much,” he half smiled, his green eyes looking into mine.

“Maybe. I don’t know,” I shrugged.

“Can we at least give it a shot?” he begged.

At this point, I was so broken I didn’t even want to kiss him. I just wanted him to hug me and play Fifa with me and tell me shitty penguin jokes during French. I really wanted to be his boyfriend but right now I wanted to go back to being his best friend.

“Sure,” I said and his face lit up like a child on Christmas.

“Come over later? We can play video games while we pretend to do homework?” He smiled. I nodded. 

So I did come over and he awkwardly invited me into his house. We sat in his room playing Fifa, just like old times and even though it felt kinda weird and I was more shy than normal, it still felt right and that we were meant to be best friends. We still had a long way to go, but it was better than hating each other.

A few hours later, we were still playing when Michael suddenly paused and turned to me. “Do you the real reason I asked you here tonight?” he asked. My heart beat faster in my chest. What was he gonna do? Beat me? Kiss me? Call me a fag?

“What?” I stuttered. I looked away from his adorable face.

“I saw your covers on Youtube,” he told me. I froze. He was gonna mock me. I didn’t think anyone I knew had seen it. “And if you’re up for it I wanna start a band!”

“You can sing?” I asked, shocked. 

“And play guitar,” he smiled. He grabbed my wrist with his hand and dragged me into another room where he played a cover of Check Yes Juliet and I couldn’t help fall in love with him a million times more. He just looked so adorable and all intentions of being just friends went out the door.   
“So whatcha think?” he asked, shyly.

“You’re amazing,” I whispered, truly believing it. He blushed, not at all used to being complimented.

“So you wanna start a band?” he giggled, literally.

“Yeah,” I nodded. I did, more than anything, I really did. He was my favourite person in the whole world, and music was almost my whole life. I knew already that it would somehow work out.

The next morning, we sat there playing our cover of If It Means A Lot To You in front of our parents. My voice cracked a little, I was nervous but I couldn’t help notice how good our voices sound together. When we finished, my mum looked over and his mum and just smiled, an odd glimmer in both of their eyes. I could tell that this was the start of something good.

We spent the rest of the day playing music, excited to put it on Youtube, even though we knew we weren’t ready. It was dark when mum called me to come home, so Michael walked me because he knew I was a little scared of the dark. My hand kept brushing his as we walked and I badly wanted to grab it and hold it tight. 

“We’ve still got a long way to go,” he said, looking down at me.

“Yeah. Maybe we need a drummer,” I suggested.

“Yeah. I think we are gonna be good though,” he smiled. He stopped when we got to my door. “Do you remember what I said to you that night?” Oh yes, I remembered everything from that night.

“What?” I asked, not sure what to say.

He tilted my head up so my eyes locked with him. “I said that I will love you no matter what happens,” he said, his voice cracking like he was about to cry. “Remember that, okay!” Suddenly, he leaned in and gave me a quick peck right on the lips before running off. What a tease! Oh the things that that boy did to me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One part left x


	3. Part 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter x

“Shut up Luke!” Michael shouted, covering my voice. I was talking about my love for cheese toasties, when Michael shut me up, reminding me once again that no one cared. I faked a smile as he laughed along with Calum and Ashton. I was completely used to this, but considering how much I still loved Mikey, it still hurt a bit.

“Leave my Lukey alone,” Calum defended me, pulling me into a hug.

“Yeah!” Ashton joined in. “Leave our little penguin alone!” he giggled as he joined mine and Calum’s hug. Michael, with a hint of jealously dived down on top of the three of us making us groan.

Soon after I joined the band, I realised that Michael would sometimes be a complete asshole to me and there was nothing I could do to change that. Not that I minded. I knew that he was joking and that he did love me. We had come a long, long way since then, our music skills still increasing and our band doubled in size. Soon after Mikey and I had started out, Michael begged me to let Calum join. At first I wasn’t too sure, but I said yes because I wanted to please Michael. Calum and I didn’t see eye to eye at first, but soon I became as friendly with him as Michael was and I was glad to have him in our band. Later on, when we had our first actual gig we realised how badly we needed a drummer, so that’s where Ashton came in.

Michael told us that they had a mutual friend but after a bit more prying from Calum and I, he admitted that he found him on a dating site.

“What were you doing looking at guys pages on a dating site?” Calum asked. Michael blushed like mad. “You’re not gay are you?” Calum seemed shocked at the thought. Until that day, I had always assumed that Michael had told Calum about “that night” (but changing it a bit so it sounded like I came onto him and he didn’t want it) but then I thought otherwise. 

“No!” Michael giggled. Calum laughed too and announced that he was going to get a snack and when he left Michael winked at me. Like legit winked as if to say he was gay. My broken heart did a 360 and I smirked. But he never gave any other hint of actually being gay.

I was kinda hurt of Michael looking at guys on dating website’s, especially because I was sure he knew that I still liked him. But despite that, I liked Ashton. Not like-liked, like I did with Michael but I liked him as a friend. I liked Calum as a friend too, but I got on better with Ash. I was positive thought that nothing would ever beat my love/hate friendship with Michael.

So Michael was half a kitten/half a punk rock teenager who’s sweater paws make me want to jump off a cliff, Calum was like a majestic puppy and I knew I could trust him with anything and Ashton was a giggly pony-loving boy who was like a brother to me. Then there was me, an awkward boy who liked penguins and cuddles, I was kind of a lost cause. We all had our major flaws. But it was okay because we all loved each other even Ashton did scream at us and Michael did tease me. And we seemed to work okay together as a band. More than okay.

Since we had been posting covers together on Youtube our fanbase hasn’t stopped growing. We’ve played a lot of shows around the place and people have being recognising us on the street. We have done a successful tour in Australia to screaming fans. We recorded our first EP. And now we had a sold out concert in London.

So for the first time ever, 5 Seconds of Summer were going to the UK. It was our first time being somewhere other than Oz as a band. We were going to be in a new place for 3 weeks without our mums, playing and recording and meeting fans. We were beyond excited. We had fans obsessively tweeting us about how they couldn’t wait to see us. I was still amazed about how far we had gone. I couldn’t believe that people actually liked our music.

It seemed to good to be true, and that we were never actually going to London. We anxiously anticipated it, worried that we would be let down. It took ages to come around. Endless days of sitting in class listening to the clock tick. Endless nights of listening to Michael’s teasing before Ash and Cal sticking up for be and Mikey insisting that I knew he was joking. And he was right, I did. But I still wished he would stop. But we finally arrived at London after an issue with Ashton’s forgotten passport and a seemingly never-ending flight. But we got there and it was amazing.

The place was lit up with Christmas lights and an layer of snow was stuck to the ground. It was unlike anything I had see before. The minute we got out of the cab at our hotel, we completely lost it and dropped our bags and went to play in the snow. It was my first experience with it and I will always remember it. Suddenly Michael came up and hugged me, under the colourful lights. I laughed and hugged him back, shivering. We always hugged, but not like this. It was heartfelt and comforting and it wasn’t nearly as good as a kiss, but it was a well needed substitute. It didn’t last long though because Calum screamed group hug and him and Ashton hugged us both from behind. 

It was late when we did finally go into the hotel. I was exhausted and I could barely walk. I don’t know why but Michael said “I’m rooming with Luke,” and he insisted on it. I usually roomed with Calum, or sometimes Ash. 

We walked into the room laughing about something Ashton had said, (- like we were best friends. And that was what we were - best friends. If you asked anyone at school, they would tell you that. Even though he teased the shit out of me, he would beat anyone who said what he said to me. And I would forever love him for that) but we stopped when we saw a double bed in the room, instead of two singles.

We got ready for bed, not talking to each other, and rang our mums assuring them that we were okay. We stared at each other before I said, “I can sleep on the floor if you want.”

“No way,” he told me. He hesitated before adding “Just keep to your side. I don’t want your gay to rub off on me!”

The words were like a dagger in my already broken heart. He started at me, like he was expecting me to laugh, like I usually do when he insulted me. Tears stung my eyes. He had said many hurtful things to me in the past few months, years even, but this was past the line and he knew it.

“No, I’m sorry I didn’t mean that,” he said, but it was too late. His sharp words had already wounded me. I sighed, laying down on the bed and pulled the blanket right up to my neck.

“That was too much I know, I didn’t realise what I was saying,” he told me, sadness in his voice. I sniffed, trying not to let him know that was I was crying.

“I know I should never joke about that. I don’t care if your gay. I love you, you know that.” His worlds made my heart melt, yet again. I felt that I was kind of overreacting, but I didn’t want to forgive him yet.

“Just go to sleep, Michael,” I sighed, making sure to mask the sadness in his voice. I felt him shift on the bed. I laid there, tears flowing but not making a sound. I was almost completely sure he was a sleep before I let myself release a sob.

“I’m so sorry Lukey,” he said and I knew he was. But he just reminded me that I was a worthless, ugly, gay piece of shit. I had just gotten over that, and learned to accept myself. I wasn’t ready to forgive him yet.

I let out another large sob, not even caring anymore. “Cuddle?” he asked. Although I kind of hated his guts at that very moment, I desperately wanted to cuddle. I wanted him to kiss my forehead and wipe my tears away with his sleeve and I wanted him to tell me that I was perfect and that any girl or guy would be lucky to have me. And I knew that would happen if I would just say “yes”. But I didn’t. I knew that then I would want more than that, but he wouldn’t be able to give it to me. So I went on ignoring him.

I desperately wanted something to hold on to, even if it wasn’t him so when I was 100% sure he was snoring I turned on my lamp and started rummaging through my suitcases. I starting crying again because I couldn’t find what I was looking for.

“Luke?” Michael sat up, his voice was raspy because he had just been woken up. “Please stop crying, I really didn’t mea-”

“No. I can’t find my penguin,” I interrupted him, crying. It might sound silly, but I needed it. I knew that I had no chance of sleeping if I didn’t have it. “I think I left it at home!”

“Oh baby,” Mikey said, sleepily getting out of bed. He knew it, along with the other boys, that I actually needed not just wanted my stuffed penguin. “It’s in my suitcase remember, it didn’t fit in yours.” Michael handed me the penguin, and I went back to bed, clutching it tight to my chest. He turned off the night and climbed into bed next to me, and I didn’t protest when he slung his arm over my waist and nuzzled his head into my neck. 

//

“Wake up Lukey,” Michael poked my cheek and I opened my eyes, looking around the hotel room.

“Mornin’,” I mumbled, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. Michael was staring at me with an anxious look in his eyes.

“I’m sorry about last night,” he whispered. I knew he was, so I decided to forgive him, even though I had a gut feeling not to.

“Let’s just forget about it, yeah?” I smiled. His face lit up and he grinned back at me.

We started our day with a full English breakfast and then headed out into the cold day. There was a weather warning, but there was still always groups of fans waiting for us wherever we went. We went writing or recording during the day and played a show that night. It was simple but amazing and we couldn’t believe how much people loved us here. It felt so great to make people happy. Most nights we had a long van ride back to our hotel in London but it was okay because Michael and I usually cuddled in bed afterwards. We went on every day doing the same thing, but each day it got so much more real, so much more amazing.

I was upset when we finally played our last show in the UK, not ever wanting to leave. But we still had a full day left in London and on the 2 and a half hour drive to the hotel with the lads I started to plan it out. 

“We should go on the London eye one last time, that was amazing. And then maybe we could tweet where we are so fans can meet us. And can we go to that cool restaurant place again?” I asked the boys hopefully.

“Sure, my little penguin,” Calum giggled.

“Yeah whatever you want Lukey,” Ashton agreed. “We’re just so happy that you’re having a good time. We wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you.”

Michael just started at me. When we finally got out of the black cab, he held my hand tightly as we walked up to our room. He shoved the key in and pushed me inside before loudly slamming the door.

“Why are you -” I started, but I was interrupted when a pair of lips smashed on to mine. I couldn’t believe it. Once again, Michael Clifford was kissing me. I wasted no time and locked my arms around his neck, kissing him back. He pulled away, but pressed me gently up against a wall.

“I hate when Calum and Ashton say “their baby Lukey” or “their little penguin,” he told me, his face just inches from mine. “Because you’re not theirs. You’re mine.” He kissed me again, passionate but gently. I thought that it had finally happened, but then all of a sudden I remembered last time and how I felt when he said that he couldn’t do it. I knew that this would happen again and I remember how I didn’t speak to him for over a year, how my life felt so empty without him.

I abruptly disconnected our lips, pushing him away from me. This time I was the one to say, “I can’t do this.” I left the room and stepped out onto the balcony (or whatever the fuck you call it, I can’t remember). It was snowing but I didn’t care as I sat on the icy floor and pulled my hood up. I didn’t want to see his face. I knew if I did I would weaken and he would break my heart again.

I was sitting there for no more than 30 seconds when I heard Michael come out and sit beside me. I sighed. “Do you know I came out here to get away from you?” I said bluntly. He didn’t reply but I heard him sniff. I looked up at him - he was crying.

I opened my mouth to say something, but no words would come out. He eyes were full of sadness as they locked with mine. It took all the strength I had not to reach out and pull him into my chest. “I thought you still liked me,” he cried. I looked at him, dumbfounded. 

“I do. You know I do,” I whispered, so that he could barely hear me.

“But then why…?” he trailed off, looking at me so that I would speak.

“You know damn well why!” I yelled. “You’re just gonna tell me you can’t do this again. Your just going to break my heart again and you know it!” I was crying now too. I just wanted everything to work out.

“I’m sorry,” He sobbed. “I wanted it Luke, even more then you did.” I scoffed. “I did,” he insisted. “There was a whole lot of things I wanted to say that night that I didn’t. I loved you, Luke, I still do. I wanted nothing more than to be known as “Luke’s boyfriend”, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t ready to come out as gay. It would be nothing but teasing and I wasn’t even completely sure then. I thought it was just a phase but now I know it’s not. It just happened so fast, we weren’t expecting it. Neither of us were ready, you know it was the best thing to do. I was scared of loosing you as a friend, but I did and I kinda deserved it. I regretted it every second that you weren’t speaking to me. I loved you so much, I never stopped. When we ignored each other all I wanted to do was hug you and make you laugh. I’ve always wanted to hold your hand in the hallways and smell like you because I would always be wearing your hoodies. I wanted to take you on cute dates and brush your fringe out of your eyes as I tell you that I loved you. I’m sorry for being so mean to you, it was my way of coping with not being able to kiss you. I’m sorry, but if you don’t want to forgive me, I understand,” he admitted, out of breath by the time he stopped talking.

“C’mere babe,” I stretched out my arms and he literally ran into them, laying his head on my chest. “Of course I forgive you. I love you so much,” I whispered in his year. We sat there, watching the snow fall, enveloped in each others arms.

“How old were we that night?” Michael asked after a while of just sitting there.

“I was still 13, you were 14,” I said. I remembered every last detail about that night.

“How old are we now?” I think I knew where he was going with this.

“You’re 16, and I’m 15,” I told him.

“If I remember correctly that night I said, “Maybe this could work in a year” and I know I was far from passing Math but I’m pretty sure that that was 2 years ago,” he smirked. “So whatcha think?” I answered by taking his face in my hands and kissing him, gently this time.

“Maybe we should go inside,” he giggled like the idiot he was. He lead be my the hand inside. I laid in bed with Mikey’s arms around me and our legs intertwined. I didn’t need my penguin that night.

I was nearly asleep when Michael said, “Will you be my boyfriend, Lucas Hemmings?”

And of course I said yes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All feedback appreciated x

**Author's Note:**

> This is also on my tumblr btw. Comment/kudos if you think I should post chapter 2!


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